Recently I was watching a comedy sketch on TV where a comedian was talking about visiting his mother. He was telling the audience how his mother, whenever he stays over, likes to make sure he’s warm enough, so she covers him in blankets till he can’t move. Then she plants a wet kiss on his cheek while he’s lying there helpless! He had the audience in hysterics in his exaggerated description of the lengths mothers go to in making sure we are warm and comfortable!
However, I wanted to talk about another kind of blanket that people get covered with that’s not so pleasant. I often hear from wives of men in mid-life crisis about how much of the blame their husbands place on them for all of their ( the husband’s ) issues. This can often lead to the wife feeling condemned and guilt ridden or just plain confused. That is not a nice place to be! One thing that is important to understand is that you are not to blame, this is not about you. A mid life crisis causes a man to put on a different pair of glasses so that he views things very differently than the way he did before. Things can become warped and twisted and blaming the wife is a way of shifting the responsibility off himself to remove any accountability to change. Fair? No. Reality? Yes. The result is a wife feeling suffocated in a blanket of condemnation.
So what to do when you are in this situation? One of the ways to do this is by removing yourself from the situation, not necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally. Take a look at the facts. What’s changed? Most likely, this will be the first time he is bringing up these issues, so why didn’t he before? Because they weren’t issues. The only thing that has changed is his perception, not your capability as a wife. Of course, we all have faults and failings, that’s part of being human. There’s nothing wrong with apologizing for what mistakes we have made, but don’t fall into the trap of feeling condemned and questioning your character.
Deal with the accusations by offering an apology where you feel it is genuinely warranted, but react in an appropriate manner to the false allegations. That means, not losing your temper, not trying to return the blame. Graciously acknowledge it without having to accept it. Use a comment like, ” I’m sorry you feel that way”. Remember, it won’t work to convince him he’s wrong as he doesn’t want to be convinced!
Your happiness and well being is just as important as his! So don’t let those blankets of condemnation keep you stifled. How much better to visit mum and experience a cup of tea and one of her warm blankets!